Alone to Alone

Growing up I had a wild imagination filled with fantasies and scenarios I loved to plan out. I would often believe that what I saw on the television screen was real, well not actually really, since it was acting, but rather accuracy of what life was supposed to be like, the biggest one being a teenager and having the life of a high school student. Just that idea alone as a young girl filled my heart with so much joy and filled my mind with so much hope. To think that when I got to the age of being in high school, I would be able to experience all of what I had seen on television.  I dreamed about all the parties I was going to go to and all the new people I was going to meet, but most importantly I craved  the life long friendship and bonds I was going to make while in school. However, sooner or later I was going to have get my head out of the clouds and come back to earth to the real world.

Hearing the bells and whistles of the high school air filled my young new upcoming 9th grader self with so much glee. Finally, I could call myself a high schooler . I could finally bring my fantasies to life and could live out the life I was so drawn to on television, the life I so longed for. Walking into the school admiring all the upperclassmen because of  how much older they looked compared to me, looking at how they dressed, how they talked, the way they carried themselves, it was all so new. Seeing how the halls were filled with posters of different clubs and activities with a sprinkle of lockers on certain corners was just like what I had seen on the TV screen, but then I was seeing it in real life.

Adjusting to the environment was all so new to me with the new workload, new teachers, and trying to get accommodated with the new students around me. As time went on, I finally got a little more acquainted with the day to day work of school and learning my way around, like finding my classes and what was expected of me from my teachers.  I could finally start to interact with the classmates around me and find friends to make my time more fun and build the bonds that I heard about so often on TV.  Most of the students around were all kind of used to one another because of the fact we all either went to middle school or elementary school with each other, and so, it was just a new setting. For me, since I transferred late in middle school, I was not as used to the others around me and did not relate to them as much. Luckily, going to school was not too bad because I did have one close friend who I had known since elementary school .She was one of my first friends I met when transferring, which was a relief. Seeing a familiar friendly face really like a warm glowing light which shined on me. With all the stress of being a new student in an unfamiliar place, knowing her and being her friend made it that much easier to get through the year.

During our first few months of being in school, all we had was each other, since neither of us were all that good at making friends, but we were okay with that. We had a few classes together. Thank God! Having classes with her made it so much easier to get through.  We were always sitting next to each other, laughing and snickering in the corner, trying to keep our voices down, but unwanted laughs would always slip out, and at times, we got scolded by our teacher, but that did not stop us. After the week would end, we often would hang out with one another, typically at my house. My mother adored her, which was really important to me because I am really close with my mother, and I wanted her to approve of the people that I was hanging out with, so there would not be an issue when it came to making plans. When the weekends would come ,we would have sleepovers at my house, staying up all night watching teeny bopper movies and completely idolizing the scenes that we watched on TV. In more ways than one, I consider her my sister, since I grew up with an older brother. I did not have a sister around, even though she had siblings like brothers and sister. At the time, she looked at me as another sister.

Another year passed on in school, now making me a sophomore with the start of a new semester in school. With the new class schedule, we only had two classes together, one of them being geometry. After a few weeks had passed, we met another girl in class who shared our same humor, which interested us and drew us to her. We had so much in common, like the type of shows we watched, the music we listened to, the jokes we would tell, etc. She understood them all. A few weeks passed again, and next thing I knew, we were pulling another desk for her to sit with us in class. Instead of two people laughing in class, it became three. 

Now being a trio, we relied on each other for everything. When it came to our personal life, we could always talk to one another, all together, to help one another. When someone was going through a family issue or when an internal issue occurred, we had a shoulder to lean on and ears that would listen, never to judge or overlook.  Then, Covid happened. We were in the middle of our Sophomore year, leading to online school. We were online, stuck in the house, but that did not stop us from being friends . We stayed up late talking on the phone all night long, acting as if we were still in school. Our bond got stronger and soon I felt like I had another sister. I could feel myself being lost in the clouds once again.

It took me a few months to realize that my friends were really not my friends. I would overlook the mean and snarky comment about me they made over the phone. I would overhear them but  keep quiet out of fear that If I said something, it would seem that I was being over dramatic or could not take a joke, since we often messed around and teased a lot .However, that didn't sit right with me, since the words were only directed at me ,and not to anyone else.

Later that year, I found a job which caused me to be distant, due to the fact that I had a job to work, and had to attend online classes and keep up with the work so I would not fall behind. I made it clear to them that I would be busy at times. During that time, the two started to grow closer together without me. They would often go out without me, have separate conversations etc. It did not bother me that they would do things without me. What bothered me was when we were on call, they brought up inside jokes or stories that I was not a part of. But if I were to ask, what happened in the event or the backstory, I would instantly be attacked .Being told that “If you were around you would understand” or “that's our business”. That made me  start to feel like the outsider of the group. I always felt left out and talked over in every conversation we had. It was a three way call but only two were talking.

In the friendship, we tried to make it a rule that we would always come to one another if we ever felt there was a problem in the friendship with anything, so we could talk about it and not keep anything bottled in and to be honest with one another .When having a conversation one day, I seen it as an opportunity for me explain to them, how I felt about how I was  being treated. What I thought was an innocent conversation turned into battle with two against one. I was the meat amongst the lions. I wanted to simply explain how I did not like the comments being directed towards me, being told that I was “dumb” or “stupid” ,being told to shut up when I wanted to talk. At times I was told I was a selfish individual when I wanted to do certain things for myself. To know that I expressed to them, telling them how I felt would turn into me being in the wrong and how It was my fault. They found a way to turn the mirror on to me. 

It started to get worse, I was constantly being torn down layer by layer daily. Anyone would say “why won't you just stop talking to them” that sounds easy for most, but at the time it was not that easy for me. I felt that I could not leave because I did not want to be alone, or seem like I did not have any friends, since at the time I cared so much about what others thought about me. To be alone at that time sounded like the worst thing imaginable to me, thinking to myself that I would rather be in a friendship that I constantly torn down in than to be alone, just closing my eyes and turning a blind eye to it all.

It wasn't until the big argument that that really opened my eyes. The more I started to think to myself, I came up with the decision to take a break by being distant with them. I did not answer the phone as much nor participate in the activities planned. I just needed to breathe. After taking some time to myself finally made the choice to tell them that I did not want to 

continue to be friends. I sent a group message telling them that the friendship is not good for me. I was  tired of feeling like I was less than, being told that my opinion was unworthy. Repeatedly being torn down day to day. The friendship felt more like a toxic relationship than an actual friendship and I just could not take it anymore. Me being honest with them, talking straight from my heart .Of course it was turned back on me like I was the villain, but for once it didn't bother me.  I knew the words that I expressed  were all without a single thing missing. I said nothing to offend anyone, I had no ill wishes. I knew that I needed to leave. All the negative words and foul language that was meant to hurt me, had not effect on me. Once I said my peace I left the chat, deleting there numbers to really be done. When I say I felt like all the years of being used a verbal punching bag was lifted of my shoulders, I can say not one tear was shed.

Over the summer before senior year the friendship was officially over. I really had to learn how to be alone. It was tough at first not having that person to call or spend time with, but I knew it was only temporary and someone would come along who only had my best intentions. During that time my relationship with myself had gotten better. After being told in the past on a daily basis that I was dumb, selfish, and a  terrible person etc., it really made me start to question myself wondering if what they were saying was  true. After coming to the realization that I'm not any of those things and learning about who I am, it made all of the difference in me then and now. 

After overcoming the thought of me being so scared to be alone and feeling alone to actually being alone, taught me a lot about myself and the things I can handle.  This experience plays in my life when it comes to people in a sense that I am really cautious of the type of people I let into my life and the people who I can call a true genuine friend. It really explains why I come across as being quiet or shy with others. It took me learning from a first hand experience that I'm okay with being alone and honestly it's not as bad as people portray it to be. I can say I have learned a great deal from going through this and growing as an individual. Learning that being alone or feeling alone isn't always a forever thing and there are people out there who will have your best intentions. It took some trial and error.  I can say I have found someone I can really call my friend who cares for me. I don't feel like I had to put on a fake face to pretend I can be myself without any judgment or ill intentions. I don't regret going through this bump in the road in my life because it taught me a lot and it will always be someone that I can look back on and remember.